Confessions & Cadence
...there comes a midnight hour when everyone has to throw off his mask
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Paradox.
It's a word we often use to mean contradiction.
But this isn't an accurate reflection
Of what it's meant to convey.

It's a Western conceptualization of something like
The Chinese Tao and Eastern sense of mystery.
It is an entering into and embrace of contradictions
Not mere denial or toleration of them.
It is an integration, creating a third way.

It is a concept my Western, categorical, scientific mind resists.
It is a concept that doesn't sit well with surface Theology.
Even surface Theology masking itself as deeper truths.
Definitions, formulas, facts, logic, this is what I crave.
But our systems do not ultimately satisfy this craving.
They leave more questions than satisfactory answers.

Nor do I want to dismiss these things:
Logic, reason, understanding.
I do not wish to delve into rejection of logic and embrace of all.
To deny reason, is to deny all sense of sense.
To deny logic, is just as reckless as embracing it completely.
If I wanted to do that, I'd just join a cult.

Paradox.
Faith.
Knowing and not knowing in the same instant.
Knowing position, but not speed.
Knowing speed, but not position.
Being both particle and wave
Primal and Modern
Animated Stardust
Appearing and Disappearing
Forming and Collapsing
At every instant
Simultaneous.

The crucifixion of the either/or.
Into a resurrected, third way.

This is where I want to live.
This is where I am heading.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
I used to think I had something to offer people.
I don't anymore.

I guess starving it is one way of disintegrating pride.
Maybe the only way.

How am I back to this again?
So many more questions than answers.
To hating my inner voice.
To not knowing who you are.
You make no sense and I'm reduced to a pissed off 19 year old.
Someone I left almost 10 years ago.

When did this happen?
I can't remember going from clarity to fog.
And yet, it feels like it had to have been abrupt.

I'm in the weirdest place
Of being so tired of guessing
So tired of forcing myself to believe
When it makes absolutely no sense to believe
Something I can't understand...
And simultaneously
I'm becoming more and more comfortable with not knowing anything.

Our structures are so small, so brittle, so contrived.
What's the point?
I don't know who you are
Beyond what I have experienced
And, I think I'm going to stop trying to get more than that.
Finally.

I've become the kind of pastor I said I never would.
How trite.
Agnostic about dogma and theology.
Is that disingenuous? Am I deceiving people?
Maybe if I was selling a product.
Maybe if I was selling certainty.
I'm not.

And yet, the silver lining in it all
Is that I'm finally much more interested in you
Than in anything about you.

I'm tired of thinking if I just figure more of you out
I'll know you more.
It doesn't work:
The more I learn about you, the less you make any sense
Like trying to hold smoke.

This existence, this way of life I have chosen
Or has been chosen for me...I honestly don't know or care anymore...
It's a lot harder than I anticipated.
It subtly wears me down
Wears away at my soul
I don't notice
Until I'm only bones.

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to be a pastor.
I don't know how to follow you.

I don't know.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
I'm nearly certain that you exist
But I'm increasingly unconvinced
That I can know anything about you absolutely.

We develop complex systems
To try and organize and systematize.
We bend over backwards
To constrain you to our truth.

We bleed you dry of beauty, of mystery
And claim a firm foundation of reason and fact.
A lifeless, dull, and decaying foundation.

Why do you die the more I try to define you?

Why are you so hidden?

Why are you so ambiguous?

I'm just like the rest:
I want you to be loud and conquering.

I don't want to be able to second guess.
Maybe that's akin to asking to no longer be human.
Okay.

"The two things you told me:
That you are strong
And you love me."

Love God and love others as yourself.
Sounds so simple and uncomplicated.
It gets murky so quickly.

Why?
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Lent
Oh my God
Look around this place.
Your fingers reach around the bone.
You set the break
You set the tone.
Flights of grace
And future falls
In present pain
All fools say...

Oh my God.

Oh my God
Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don’t bleed.
There is no cure for our disease.
Turn a phrase
And rise again.
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend

Oh my God.

Oh my God
Can I complain?
You take away my firm belief
And graft my soul upon your grief.
Weddings
Boats
And alibis
All drift away
And a mother cries...

Liars and fools
Sons and failures
Thieves will always say...

Lost and found
Ailing wanderers
Healers always say...

Whores and angles
Men with problems
Leavers always say...

Broken hearted
Separated
Orphans always say...

War-creators
Racial-haters
Preachers always say...

Distant fathers
Fallen warriors
Givers always say...

Pilgrim saints
Lonely widows
Users always say...

Fearful mothers
Watchful doubters
Saviors always say...

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep.
If the world was how it should be
Maybe I could get some sleep.

While I lay I dream we’re better
Scales were gone and faces lighter
When we wake we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other

Sometimes I can close my eyes
And all the fear that keeps me silent
Falls below my heavy breathing
What makes me so badly bent?

We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
That the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip
I wonder what to make of Heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give up

Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat
All the wounds that money causes
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children
This is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers
This is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God