Confessions & Cadence
...there comes a midnight hour when everyone has to throw off his mask
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
I used to think I had something to offer people.
I don't anymore.

I guess starving it is one way of disintegrating pride.
Maybe the only way.

How am I back to this again?
So many more questions than answers.
To hating my inner voice.
To not knowing who you are.
You make no sense and I'm reduced to a pissed off 19 year old.
Someone I left almost 10 years ago.

When did this happen?
I can't remember going from clarity to fog.
And yet, it feels like it had to have been abrupt.

I'm in the weirdest place
Of being so tired of guessing
So tired of forcing myself to believe
When it makes absolutely no sense to believe
Something I can't understand...
And simultaneously
I'm becoming more and more comfortable with not knowing anything.

Our structures are so small, so brittle, so contrived.
What's the point?
I don't know who you are
Beyond what I have experienced
And, I think I'm going to stop trying to get more than that.
Finally.

I've become the kind of pastor I said I never would.
How trite.
Agnostic about dogma and theology.
Is that disingenuous? Am I deceiving people?
Maybe if I was selling a product.
Maybe if I was selling certainty.
I'm not.

And yet, the silver lining in it all
Is that I'm finally much more interested in you
Than in anything about you.

I'm tired of thinking if I just figure more of you out
I'll know you more.
It doesn't work:
The more I learn about you, the less you make any sense
Like trying to hold smoke.

This existence, this way of life I have chosen
Or has been chosen for me...I honestly don't know or care anymore...
It's a lot harder than I anticipated.
It subtly wears me down
Wears away at my soul
I don't notice
Until I'm only bones.

I don't know how to do this.
I don't know how to be a pastor.
I don't know how to follow you.

I don't know.
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